Guilty Pleasures
by Shadowfang3000
Summary: "I really wanted to be wrong." - When Hanako suddenly goes missing, Lilly tries to hunt her down. From there she discovers the reason behind her disappearance, as well as her history with a certain young man. (That's a terrible summary D:)


(A/N) Ah, Katawa Shoujo... How I've missed you :P

I still remember how I went through every single route in a single week. I haven't actually read it properly since back when it originally came out in 2012, and I really want to try going through it again like I did so many months ago.

This fic idea pretty much came from a very minor piece of dialogue from Hisao following a certain unnecessary scene from his Hanako route, and from there my confused and perverted personality decided to turn into TmZ.

Once again this is a rather strange idea for a fic, and I don't intend it to be much of a romance thing. So, apologies for any resultant suckage D:

WARNING: Lots spelling errors, OOC characters, **some plot points you may find insulting**, my usual :P

**Guilty Pleasures**

It was usually pretty difficult to tell if something was wrong with Hanako, primarily due to her aura of constant nervousness and unease. If something was truly bothering her, she didn't look any different to her neutral state. Even under the watchful eyes of the entire school, no one understood the truth about how she felt.

_But sight didn't matter to a blind woman, did it?_

With her years around the broken young girl, Lilly had learned to decipher even the slightest change of presence around her. Hanako could float towards her without a single sound, and a simple change in the air would alert her to everything about her, ranging from what she was wearing to what she ate for breakfast.

_If she even had breakfast that day._

While she couldn't study her face directly, Lilly had asked around Yamaku for updates on how Hanako was fairing. According to many, she had become increasingly sickly and pale in recent days, often breathing frantically rather than gently as she sat and read in the library. The school librarian Yuuko had even noticed that her visits to the library had greatly reduced in frequency, the girl often going missing for hours at a time.

_It worried her._

While part of her was pleased by the possibility that Hanako was starting to break out of her shell, her motherly feeling of protection and wish to guard her told her that something simply wasn't right. She needed to know what Hanako was doing, when she was doing it.

_And why._

The start was simple. While it pained her to do so, Lilly knew that a valuable source of information in the school was her deaf cousin Shizune. While she could neither hear words of advice nor heed to common sense, her reach extended throughout the entire area, and she would likely possess all of the information that she desired.

It surprisingly didn't take much to convince Shizune of her plan, the girl willing to comply out of her own fear for Hanako's safety. While she did come across as smug and unkind, Shizune was just as capable of compassion as any other human being, and it brought a smile to Lilly's face knowing that she would do all in her power to track Hanako down and help her.

"You do understand what I'm asking of you, don't you?" Lilly stressed, wondering if Misha was even gesturing her messages correctly. After a brief pause as the loud girl relayed her words, she responded.

"Of course I do dummy!" Misha yelled. However, from the bubbly girl it sounded happy and kind in contrast to how it was supposed to be said. "I'm just as worried about Hanako-chan as you are!"

As overbearing as Misha was at times, even Lilly had to admit that she brightened up everyone's day. Convinced that Shizune knew what she was doing, she whipped out her cane with practiced ease and began to leave.

"Lilly..." Misha said, her voiced suddenly solemn. The blonde woman stopped in her tracks, gesturing that she was all ears. "... I'm worried about Hanako-chan."

She couldn't tell if it was Shizune or Misha who was saying this, but part of her knew that they both felt the same. Forcing a smile, she giggled warmly.

"We all are. We'll work this out, I promise."

"I hope so." Misha whispered, her erratic feelings filling her with unfamiliar sadness.

_So did she._

X

Lilly decided to stay in the tea room throughout the majority of the day, the small area being a homely location for both her and Hanako throughout the years. She'd often wander in to find Hanako alone, having taken to hiding in the room hours before her arrival.

"_I-I don't like the noise." _She'd stutter, often sitting on the floor in a curled up ball_. "It's nice and q-quiet here..."_

_She had that right._

Lilly loved to come and unwind after stressful days at school in the tea room, just letting the cool breeze of the open window caress her golden locks as she sat in silence. She had once asked Hanako if she could describe the sight of the school grounds on a summer's day, and she'd always settled on one simple word.

_Beautiful._

Fiddling with her tea cup as she pondered, she shivered with a strange feeling of seclusion. It was strange that someone like her could feel lonely, but she'd come to rely on Hanako just as much as she did to her. In fact, it was becoming apparent in recent days that Lilly may have been the more dependent of the two.

_If her theories were correct._

Christ knew what Hanako was up to. She may have been socialising with someone else, or she could be alone and depressed just like Lilly was. It was entirely possible that she was with Hisao, one of her new friends on the campus. While she was once a total recluse, he had succeeded in breaking her out of her shell somewhat. Despite this, Hanako rarely wandered off without Lilly nearby, even if she was with Hisao.

_He was bad news, and she knew it._

While she always forced a jolly smile in public, she would gladly host her vile thoughts in private. When she first met Hisao, something about him was off. True, he was a new student coming to terms with the fact that with his weakened heart he could no longer embrace the activities of a normal young man, but it was more than that.

_A drive of lust._

While starved of sight, she could feel his studying glare whenever Hanako brought him to the tea room. Externally his intentions seemed pure, but deep down she could feel a sense of unease developing in her gullet. He wasn't here to be a miraculous cure for Hanako's fears, he was after something much more sinister and base.

Her instincts were rarely wrong.

_Or was she just jealous?_

Here comes a man who manages to befriend Hanako within weeks, break her out of her shell within months, and quickly become her favourite person. It had taken Lilly three weeks simply to get her to speak, let alone make her comfortable in her presence. Hisao had swept in from the shadows and snatched her away, and Lilly was powerless to stop him.

_And she let him do it._

She didn't vocally object to his actions, nor did she try to stop him. Whenever he did something that she thought Hanako wasn't ready for, such as taking her shopping in the big city, she didn't resist. Whenever he tried to get her to speak in a situation where she'd prefer to stay silent, she didn't halt him. When she could feel his eyes glaring with malice and spite, she didn't drop her smile. She let him do as he pleased and run rampant and unchecked.

_Because he made Hanako happy._

_Something she could never do._

Hastily heaving her tea-cup up and informally taking a large sip of the piping hot contents, she tried to rid her mind of such thoughts. Now wasn't a time to wallow in hate and self-pity, it wasn't going to change the facts. Hanako was missing, and right now the priority was to find her. Shizune was doing what she could to try and locate her, and until then Lilly's task was to hold the fort in Hanako's favourite spot.

She heard the shuffle of feet at the doorway before a loud knock signalled their arrival, a deep voice calling in. "Hanako? Lilly? You in there?"

_It was him._

"I am." Lilly replied, putting on her usual tone and expression. "I haven't seen Hanako for quite some time however."

He shoved the door open and closed it behind him sloppily before Lilly even granted him permission to enter. With his entrance came a heavy smell of sweat, his broken heart trying to calm itself as if he had been on a run. Pacing with heavy footfalls he pulled out a chair and flopped onto it, the metal frame creaking in response to his weight.

"I've been looking for her everywhere." He grumbled, leaning back to rest. "The library, her room, the cafe..."

Lilly rested her cup onto a coaster to prevent her shaking hand from spilling any of the brown liquid it contained. She didn't know why his voice alone grated her ears, but it was enough to make her want to break something. If he noticed her trembling digits, he certainly didn't care about it. "Shizune has started searching for her, but she's had little success so far."

"Like hell she could do it." He muttered, a snarl hidden underneath his words. Lilly clenched her fists and held them together, trying to let the peculiar sense of rage she felt cool. "You know the type of places she goes to, why aren't you looking?"

Lilly didn't need to gesture to her ghostly pale eyes to convey the point, something he recalled a moment later. While most people would sink into an awkward silence following such a mistake, the ever rude Hisao didn't even stutter.

"Damn it, I'm gonna go check the Library again." He declared, his chair scraping across the floor loudly. Lilly remained silent as he left, sensing something about him as he walked away. "Yuuko won't be a help, but you never know. Stay here."

"Mmm." She answered, not putting much emphasis on the gentle sound. Hisao didn't think she heard his ignorant scoff as he left, or the whisper of a rather rude word under his breath. Lilly had been preoccupied in trying to recall the strange scent that was radiating from him as he spoke, lingering behind the vile stench of sweat and exhaled air.

_It was the smell of sex._

_Sweat, alcohol and more._

It was a strange thing to notice, but she'd had the misfortune of stumbling across the smell in the past and she recognised it instantly. The question now was why on Earth he smelt like that.

_Not that she cared._

He could go around chugging booze all day as long as he avoided Hanako. She was a vulnerable girl, and part of her knew that if he did something like that near her she'd follow suite in an attempt to be social. It was a trait of hers that could be both endearing and bad at the same time, ranging from the time that she started drinking tea to the time that she attempted to play volley ball with Emi.

_She thought it'd make everyone happy._

She often recalled the first time that Hanako started speaking to her, after constant goading and pleading. Now that she'd gotten to know her, she realised that the only reason that she responded in the end was because of this trait of hers.

Did she even want to speak to her?

Now that she'd thought about it, did she even _want _to be her friend?

They relied on eachother now, that's for certain, but was it a relationship that was ever meant to be?

Hanako would've had no choice but to start speaking to people eventually, it was something that the most shy of people had to do. It'd be a rocky path, but soon enough she would be able to speak out just like anyone else. With Lilly around, pampering her and doing all she could to make her comfortable, it made sense.

_She was holding her back._

_Hanako didn't need her._

_She didn't even want her._

Yet because Lilly enjoyed being around the girl; having someone who relied on her and allowed her to display her skill as a powerful woman, Hanako willingly gave away her one chance to become independent for her.

_Perhaps she'd finally grown sick and tired of it?_

Why would she tell her in person that she didn't want to be with her anymore? She could just abandon her and move on, starting a new life and trying to finally become independent.

Lilly tried to down the last of her lukewarm tea only to discover that the cup was empty, the rim still damp from previous sips. Awkwardly stretching out with shaky hands she grabbed hold of her teapot and tried to pour herself some more of the boiling drink.

_It slipped._

The pot thudded loudly on the table top, thankfully remaining on its stand as to prevent any spillages. Her lips twitched into an angered sneer at this display, her hands clenched into a fist from the fright.

_She really was a weakling._

While people often thought that she'd completely transcended the limits of her blindness, the truth was that she was even more vulnerable than one could comprehend. Recently her coordination had been decreasing dramatically, up to the point that it was a task to simply pour a cup of tea. She was used to the ever polite and ever pleasing Hanako offering to pour some for her, but now that she was alone in the tea room with no one to help?

_She was useless._

The summer sky was red with the coming night, a sight that she had never seen for herself much to her disappointment. She instead assumed as much via the chirps of birds, who appeared to be returning to their nests to rest 'til morning. She decided that she would probably deal with the tea-stains in the morning, and fumbled for her cane.

Grabbing her cup with her free hand, she felt around for the small sink that was located in the tea room. Plopping the cup into the sink and filling it with a minute amount of water, she stumbled for the door and nudged it open.

The Campus was relatively silent as she traversed the empty halls, most clubs having finished their activities for the day. She could still hear a few hushed voices in one or two of the classrooms, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. One of the night watchmen offered to assist her on her way to the girl's dorm, but she politely declined his offer.

_More out of insecurity than flattery._

Slowly traversing the minefield known as the girl's dorm staircase, she reached the top with a thankful smile of relief plastered on her face. Rounding the corner and counting the doors with her finger tips, she realised something.

_Hanako's door was open._

It was a habit of hers upon reaching her door to feel for Hanako's too. Seeing that it was opposite of hers it made sense, and she only did so to make sure that it was closed and locked. So imagine her surprise when she felt nothing but air in the doorway, the cheaply painted door having been carelessly left wide open.

Try imagining her further surprise when someone called her from inside.

"L-Lilly?" A gentle voice stuttered, caught off guard by her sudden arrival. "Is... I-Is that you...?"

_Hanako's voice._

It was likely near pitch-black in the dormitory at this hour, the hall lights dim even at their highest setting. Hoping that the apparent shroud of darkness hid her shocked flinch and audible gasp, she turned towards the general direction of her voice. "Yes, it's me. Hanako?"

She didn't respond to her words. With her cane still in hand, Lilly slowly entered the room and started pacing towards the young girl. Her aura was heavy, full of shock, fear and confusion.

"Where have you been?" Lilly asked, sitting down on the side of Hanako's bed. Speaking again, it appeared that she had sat right next to her. "Everyone's been looking for you."

Hanako flinched at this discovery, unhappy to find that she had been wasting everybody's time. Letting a delicate palm play with an ebony lock of hair, she reluctantly replied to Lilly like a nervous daughter to their mother.

"I was h-here..." She mumbled, taking a swift intake of air to try and calm her nerves. "I-I would never leave with... W-Without you..."

While Hanako rarely lied to people, her shift in tone made it easy to notice. Reaching for her lap and grabbing hold of her hand, Lilly tried to keep the atmosphere comfortable for her.

"Hanako, don't worry." Lilly smiled, rubbing her knuckles gently in response to her trembling. It didn't seem to ease her in any way, actually making her shivers quicken. "You can tell me, I won't get angry or anything."

"I-I'm not lying." She stressed, trying to tug her hands away. Her arms were too weak to do so, but she seemed adamant on staring at her lap rather than at the woman speaking to her.

"I never said you were." She reassured, letting her smile degrade into a soft pout. "But Hisao said that he searched here whilst looking for you."

She didn't respond to this, but her silence answered Lilly's worst fear. Hisao was telling the truth when he said that he was _here_, but he never said what he _did_ once her arrived. A grim expression developed on Lilly's face, her mind piecing together something almost too dark and terrible to comprehend.

_He had smelt of sex._

"I'm... N-Not lying..." Hanako repeated, the sniffle preceding a torrent of tears following. "I-I never left, I p-promise..."

_Oh god..._

Hanako let herself crumble, falling onto Lilly's lap as if it was a pillow after a long day's work. Lilly was at a loss for words, and simply didn't know how to proceed from there.

"Oh, Hanako..." She sighed in pity, trying to hold onto her as she lay in sadness. In all of her years she had handled so many terrible situations, comforted the most emotional for hours and days, yet now?

_Her closest friend?_

_A rape victim?_

_What was there to say?_

She let her sob onto her lap for around three minutes, spending that time idly twiddling with her black hair in a pathetic attempt at comforting her. She was about to make a comment that she had pulled out from nowhere to try and ease the tension, but Hanako spoke first.

"I-I liked it..."

_I beg your pardon?_

"I liked it when he..."

"Hanako, please..." Lilly begged, not wanting to hear such words. "You don't have to do this, you don't."

"He loves me..." She said, raising her head from Lilly's lap. From out of the blue a smile sprouted on her lips, her tear-streaked eyes suddenly filling with new found hope. "H-He really loves me, doesn't he?"

She fidgeted on the spot, sudden redness filling her cheeks at this alien prospect. "He said I was p-pretty, and he... H-He was gentle..."

Hanako's expression was happier than it had ever been in the past, her mind confused by the events that had occurred. She was convinced that this brutal and revolting act committed by Hisao was one of love and affection, rather than that of base pleasures and carnal desires. She let her feet wiggle playfully in joy as she thought out aloud.

"I-I'm a girlfriend now..." She smiled, suddenly gripping a firm hold of Lilly's hand. "We can go on d-dates! He'll b-be there for me, always..."

She was feeding herself delusions, trying to comprehend what had just happened to her. No one could understand the truth behind one of their closest friends violating them in such a vulgar manner, could they?

_No one would _want_ to understand the truth._

Lilly held her close, more out of her own need for comfort than Hanako's. The girl did not return her embrace, but Lilly could tell that she was coming to terms with what had happened to her. She rested her chin on Hanako's shoulder, speaking gently into her ear. "You don't need to pretend, Hanako."

She sighed hopelessly, falling limply against the taller woman. "... I-I know... But... It felt g-good..."

She mumbled something incoherent as she nuzzled against Lilly's shoulder, the familiar feeling of her embrace and scent being the only source of comfort. "I'm d-disgusting..."

"You're not." Lilly responded, instantly denying such claims. Hanako had such a low sense of self-esteem that it would take little for her to start insulting herself. To be brutally honest, perhaps the only reason she was saying that her violation at the hands of Hisao was a good thing was to try and fuel what little she had going for her confidence.

"_The Ugly Duckling finally had a lover."_

_When pigs fly, my dear._

The two were silent for a few minutes, the events of today still heavy in the air. How long would have Hanako kept this a secret from everybody? If it wasn't for this coincidental discussion, she would've likely suppressed the truth for eternity. What would Hisao have done in the following days? Was this just an escapade taking advantage of a vulnerable girl? Or perhaps in some way, did he do what he did out of love?

_Understanding what goes on in someone's heart is task enough._

"Y-You told me..." Hanako whispered, her jaw barely moving as she spoke. "You always t-told me, d-don't trust him..."

Lilly had.

Since the day that Hanako met Hisao, she'd often stress to be careful around him. Part of it was a hunch of a greater evil lurking in the young man, and the rest of it was simple jealousy.

_That didn't change the facts._

"I really wanted to be wrong."

X

It took another two hours to calm the shocked Hanako down. One-hundred and twenty minutes of slowly rocking her to sleep, whispering gentle words into her ears as she caressed her silken hair. When she had finally surrendered to the allure of slumber, it took little effort to softly place her head onto her pillow and to bury her curled up body under the covers.

_It took more effort to pull herself away._

By the time she had stumbled to her own room, various students had awoken to the rising sun. More out of habit than logic, she decided to join the usual early-birds and headed for the Cafeteria. Few took any notice of her as they went, save for the generic offer of guidance she always received on the school grounds.

While starved of nourishment and rest, she felt her way for a seat and took it without question. She took in the air of the large hall in the morning, often smelling fresh of the cheap cleaning product they used to polish the freezing floors. It stabbed at her senses, but in some ways it helped keep her awake over the years.

_Smart move there, Yamaku._

Her stomach growled irritably at her choice of seating, her proximity to the tasty breakfast offerings of the school being a rather painful experience. The scent of croissants and rolls taunted and teased her, begging her to have a bite.

Surprisingly enough, she decided to comply with her senses for once. She had never eaten Cafeteria food before, often preferring to make her own breakfasts, lunches and dinners. It's not that she distrusted the cooks, it was just that the selection they had was often rather lacking for her more Western tastes.

Politely asking for nothing more than a small chocolate croissant to start the day with, she returned to her table with a salivating mouth. She dug in quickly, enjoying the taste of something new.

_And then somebody sat opposite her._

"Hey." He mumbled, placing his own breakfast onto the table. "I found her; she's in her bedroom now."

_Hisao Nakai, I presume?_

Lilly placed the croissant down carefully and looked in the general direction of the voice, Hisao's aura of distrust easy to pick up in the silent morning. She had to resist the urge to lunge at him, or to give him a verbal lashing beyond that of which god had ever witnessed.

"Don't worry." Lilly smiled, keeping her usual guise of total calm up. "I ran into her this morning."

"Did you?" Hisao chuckled, yawning loudly before taking a bite out of his breakfast. "That's great. I wonder where she's been?"

"Relax, she told me everything." Lilly reassured, her smile growing into a grin.

Hisao raised his eyebrow, his tone suddenly turning a bit more panicked. "... Did she?"

"_Yes_." Lilly growled. "Right down to the smallest detail."

She dropped the image of calm and cut straight to the chase, her lips curling into an angered frown. "Why?"

"What do you mean?" Hisao asked, questioning her intent. Lilly scoffed at this, her hands gripping onto the table to vent out her urge to hurt him.

"Don't you dare question my intelligence you little runt." She spat, her rude language causing Hisao to flinch "Why did you hurt Hanako?"

"I don't recall ever hurting her." He muttered, regaining his cool. "She enjoyed it, so did I."

Lilly couldn't believe that she was hearing this from someone who called himself Hanako's friend. Her angered voice rose to a questioning pitch. "Do you know _anything_ about her?"

"Evidently more so than you."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Think about it, Lilly." He mocked, launching his own offensive "How long did it take you to get her talking to you? How long did you spend pampering her every need and keeping her restricted to living a life of solitude?"

Lilly laughed dryly at this claim, batting it aside with ease. The worrying thing was that it caused her to doubt herself, like she had the day before.

"You never wanted what was best for her, did you?" Hisao growled, accusing her of something vile. "You just wanted your own little plaything."

"Says the man who just _raped_ someone!"

"I've shown her the world." He replied, sidestepping the point. "I've made her speak to other people, and I've made her leave the safety of the school. I don't know about you, but I think that of all the people in this room I understand her better than anyone."

_He was right._

_All she had ever done was hold Hanako back._

_Her dearest Hanako, whom she loved with all of her heart._

Lilly was at a loss for words, but still pressed on for an answer. "Why?"

"I had my reasons." He replied bluntly.

"That's not enough!" Lilly spat, angered by his constant avoidance. He needed to atone for his sins, or at least tell her why he had committed one of humanity's darkest crimes.

"That's all you're getting!" Hisao shouted, noticing the stares of the Cafeteria's early birds. He hoped that the majority of them were deaf, or all hell could break loose. "That's all you're getting..."

"Hisao..."

"... I-I love her." He mumbled to himself, the squeak of his chair indicating that he was leaving. "Let's just leave it at that..."

His footsteps echoed in the large hall has he exited the area, the inhabitants of the Cafeteria turning back to their own discussions and meals. Lilly simply hung her head in shame, coming to terms with it all.

Since day one she had been holding Hanako back. Every action she took, from holding her hand to heeding her panicked calls, weren't done for Hanako's benefit. She did everything to give _herself _worth. She wanted to care for someone weaker than her, it was the only way a weak cripple like herself could have confidence.

_She was a parasite of joy and progress._

She recalled something that her sister Akira had said to her once, back when she was but a shy and blind misfit who needed her older sibling to protect her.

"_If it was your choice, would you go through with it?"_

_Probably not._

_Understanding what goes on in your own heart is task enough._

X

(A/N): Don't you hate it when a good idea goes stale? :(

This certainly had potential at one point, but it melted into drivel within a matter of moments as per usual. Apologies are needed, I know D:

Still, glad to get that out of my system :P


End file.
